Example speech: best man

The speech

Ladies and gentlemen, Lisa, Tom,

Manchester, 2009, my first day in halls. A guy I've never met lends me his kettle. He never got it back.

Tom, a wedding is the right moment for a confession. So here it is: that kettle was the best deal I've ever made. Because it came with a friend who gets in his car at three in the morning when mine breaks down on the M6.

For those who don't know me: I'm Sam, Tom's best man. And the man who has had his kettle since 2009.

Anyone who knows Tom knows two things about him. One: he'll help anyone, any time. Two: he is, at the same time, a walking disaster. Last November he locked himself out of his own flat in his socks. He didn't call a locksmith. He called me. I drove across town at eleven at night with the spare key and found him sitting on the stairs, in his socks, holding a cup of tea his neighbour had brought him. He was in excellent spirits.

Among his friends, by the way, Tom is known as Satnav. For anyone hearing this for the first time: not because he always finds the way. Because he reliably doesn't. Anywhere. Even with a satnav. We once spent forty minutes looking for a restaurant that turned out to be across the road from where we had parked.

Croatia, 2015. It has been raining for three days, and Tom is standing on the campsite [name of the campsite] knee-deep in water, the airbed under his arm. Not to save himself. To save the barbecue. He put it on the airbed and pushed it right across the site, while the rest of us sat in the car trying to decide whether to laugh or help. We laughed. The barbecue survived. That evening we had sausages, under a tarpaulin, in the rain. But we had them.

That's Tom. He doesn't give up, long after any sensible person would have.

Lisa, if you ever wondered what you were getting into: exactly this.

And then there's the other side of him. A few years ago I broke down on the M6 at three in the morning. I called Tom. He didn't ask why I was on the road at that hour. He only asked where exactly I was. Then he got in the car. And he found me. Without getting lost once. To this day I have no idea how.

You can count on Tom. Plenty of people in this room know that. Some of you have had that call answered at strange hours too.

Lisa, you two met in 2019 playing beach volleyball in Brighton. To be precise, you hit Tom with the ball. He still says you did it on purpose. You still say nothing. At your first barbecue together, you praised his burnt sausages. That's when I knew you were serious. Nobody praises those sausages. Not even Tom's mum. Sorry, Karen.

And since you came along, Tom plans holidays more than two days in advance. Those who know him will understand what that means. Two whole days. Some of us needed a moment to take that in.

Tom, you've taken a lot of wrong turns in your life. But sometimes a wrong turn takes you exactly where you need to be. With Lisa, you've arrived.

I wish you both that you'll always find your way together. With a satnav or without one. And Lisa, if you do get lost now and then, let him keep driving. He may not always find the way, but he always finds a solution. And usually a barbecue.

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise your glasses to the bride and groom. To Lisa and Tom.

Why this speech works

• An image, not a cliché: the speech doesn't open with “I'm not much of a public speaker”. It opens with halls, a year and a kettle. Three sentences in, the room knows who is speaking and what this friendship is like.
• A running joke: the nickname Satnav is explained early so the grandparents can follow, and it comes back at the end as a wish.
• Contrast: first the funny story with the barbecue, then the serious night on the motorway. Both show the same quality from two sides.
• The last third belongs to the couple: Lisa gets her own story, and the toast is to both of them.
• Nothing made up: Sam didn't give the name of the campsite in the interview. Instead of inventing one, the speech leaves a gap in square brackets for him to fill in the editor.
• Taboos respected: Sam listed the stag do and past relationships as off limits. Neither appears, not even as a hint.